Cheated on exes share emotional stories from the pain of relationship betrayal, and reveal just how much, and how many, cheating really hurts.  When two people fall in love, it is supposed to be beautiful, something to be shared with friends and family. Except when it’s not. Except when it’s cheating. And yet, people cheat, and justify it all the time. “It just happened,” they say. Affairs with married people don’t just happen. They are orchestrated. They are sneaky with secret texts and phone calls, and lying. Car accidents just happen, lightning strikes, and the norovirus on cruise ships, those just happen. But we control our behavior. We may have feelings for another person, but we control what we do. We don’t have to sneak off, we don’t have to lie, we don’t have to go to work when we’ll see her alone, or end up outside his office when it’s the perfect time to go for a drink. We are adults. It’s not just about us. It’s about our family. It’s about our husbands and wives and significant others, and our children. It’s about those on whom we are cheating. Ending a relationship is not easy, but when you add cheating to the mix, you add a complex dimension of pain for the other party, and the kids if there are any, as well as confusion and a possible lifetime of additional emotional issues. If children meet a new girlfriend or boyfriend early on in the affair/relationship this can be particularly traumatic, especially if the new relationship doesn’t last.

Being with someone who was once married to another does not have to harm another. However, you are responsible for how you get there. Do you know you want this person? Do you know it’s wrong because they are married? Then back off. If that’s hard because you work together, ask for a transfer, get a new job, or see a therapist. Try not to be alone with the person. Do something to calm the visceral urge. You can use all the clichéd rationalizations you want to excuse your behavior such as: It just happened, their marriage was over anyway, they had fallen out of love, they were going to get divorced eventually, we didn’t mean to hurt anyone, true love cannot be stopped, and on and on, but the fact is, as humans, we have the capacity to control ourselves. So do it. Because, your actions impact others. Here are some honest words directly from those who were hurt. Some of this pain is years old, and yet still hurts. Some is new, and it rages like a storm. Cheating made ending these relationships, many with children involved, that much more difficult, and full of anger, feelings of self-loathing, depression, and failure. Divorce is one of the hardest things a person can go through in life. Add betrayal, and you have compounded the pain and recovery process.

When I found pages of texts and phone calls between my ex and a woman he worked with it was like I was being gutted. I felt like my insides has been ripped from my body. I was crippled by pain for months, often crying in the shower until the water had long grown cold. I thought about suicide. I thought about running away. I thought about doing anything to stop hurting. It was, and still is, the most pain I have ever endured. – Dave

Two long-term relationships ended as a result of cheating. One was a sexual affair, the other was more deceptive. At first, the sexual affair was extremely painful. It was immediately clear that incident marked the relationship’s end. I suspected the emotional affair months before I discovered the truth. As a result of that betrayal, I developed trust issues, and anxiety and hyper-caution with new relationships. These feelings were stronger and lasted much longer than the pain I felt after the sexual affair. What made this affair even more difficult was that my partner cheated with a man who was a mutual friend, and a co-worker of hers. It is still painful to think about and serves as a reminder to be on alert. – Paul